ask me why i am actually happy to be here...and i'll give you one answer...Jesus Christ. i used to think about all of these things that were so important to me whenever i would wish that i wasn't here. all of these things that might make me, even if for only one instant in time, actually want to be here. or enjoy being here by any means. i used to think that if being here was worth anything....anything at all...it was at least worth my family. or my friends. you know? i've come to the realization that friends are merely other souls....all with a story. (maybe good, maybe bad.) all with a purpose. all having the choice of whether or not they will accept their purpose....or deny it. and all just as earthly as i. this skeleton that covers my soul is merely flesh and bones. as is theirs. and i've come to realize throughout my years of living, (which have been oh so vast of course) that friends will dissapoint you. family will let you down. those "best friends forever" that i had in middle school, i barely ever talk to now. that boy that i was engaged to in the 3rd grade is merely a name in the back of my mind. the one whome, in preschool, i apparently married one sunday afternoon at my church and continued with our honey moon in one of the cribs nearby...is simply a good laugh every now and then. it's funny to see those friends grow up....and away. to see the person you thought you would be great friends with for at least the rest of your high school career drifting apart into a world you nor they had ever imagined them entering. your whole life can change in an instant. whether you like it or not. mine for instance changed forever the day i found out that my best friend in 6th grade was moving to texas. or the night i sat around the bike racks in front of the dorms at siu in carbondale, il with my youth group and listened to my friend tell us something that we all knew was going to change things drastically. or the day i said "i love you" for the first time and meant it. or the day i realized that life really is worth living for...the day when i stopped living life because i had to, and started living life because i wanted to. because it's not just something i have to get through. it's not just a trial i'm waiting out until i finally get to go home. no, no it's so much more than that. don't you see? i do now. when for so long i hadn't....but now....now i see. it's that break in the clouds, the rain on my face, the dew on the grass, the fog in the morning, the orange-ish hue that surrounds me late in the afternoon, the sun shining on my face, the windows down and the sunroof open with the wind tickeling my neck...it's riding with the top down in december just for the thrill of it then seeing the stars in their vastness staring down upon me...it's those perfectly weathered days, the long walks in the park, the playing guitar, the writing new words, the realization of something you've been waiting to realize your whole life...and finally got it, it's the sound of your savior's voice...telling you to come. telling you that he's been waiting for you...and all you have to do is come. and i go....and he says "look at what i've given you. just look at it. every single thing that you've just described.....i've given that to you. because i know how much you love it. i know how much you enjoy it. and i know that life down there on earth sometimes isn't great shakes but that's why i put those things there for you. because it is in fact enjoyable...you just have to see it the right way. you have to look at it through my eyes, dear. because it was through my eyes that it was created. it was through my eyes you were woven. and it was through my eyes i looked out upon the crowd and gave my life for you....because i love you so much...and i wanted so badly to spend eternity with you....that i was willing to die the most painful death there is....because some day....some day soon....i want to touch your face. i want to take you in my arms, bend down and kiss your forehead and welcome you home with the voice you have been so eagerly wanting to hear." that's what it is. i am here for one purpose....to serve him. and if i had to give my life for just one person to come to christ....i would in a second. because that is what i'm here for. because i would give anything if just one more person could feel what i feel. the love, the joy. i know i'm not perfect. i know i'll make mistakes. i know i'll dissapoint him. but i know he'll be right there....right where he always is...waiting for me. because no matter what it is that i've done he will always forgive me when i ask. and he will always forget about whatever it is that i have done that has seperated us...for however long that might have been. i know that no matter how much bad i go through in this world....the good will outweigh it by an inconceivable amount. and i know that he'll never stop loving me....when all the world has turned it's back on me....he will be there. loving me. leading me. standing at the finish line yelling at the top of his voice "you can do it haley. don't look back just keep your eyes on me. it's not that far, love. just run to me." and that is what i fully intend on doing. running to him. straight toward the finish line. without looking back on the mistakes i've made or the loves ones by whome i've been hurt. look only at him. seeing the track through his eyes. and it is at the finish line.....that my earthly race becomes my eternal bliss.
