i cannot do it on my own.

my whole life i have had this distorted view of myself. and still do. something i need to and am trying to work on. but there have been so many times that i have just questioned God and why he loves me. sometimes, yelling at him....telling him to stop loving me b/c i don't deserve it. because i am nothing...i am less than nothing. i am unworthy and undeserving. and although those things are true.....that i am undeserving and unworthy.....God doesn't want me to beat myself up over it. he doesn't want me to take it to an extreme as i do all too often. yes, i need to realize it.....but i also need to realize that God sees me as perfect. he looks at me and smiles and says that's my little girl. the thing is, i'll never understand him. i'll never really get it. so i just have to accept it. and love it. and embrace it w/ everything that i have inside of me. because he will never stop loving me. me yelling at him won't change that...me sinning won't change that. nothing will ever change that. and then....i accept it. though i still need work, i accept it. though i don't understand it, i accept it. and i get onto another subject.....if i miss my devotions for a couple or even just one day...or if i do them but not as i know i should....i get so mad at myself. so frustrated. because i sit there and i think how incredibly awesome it would be to have this relationship w/ God were we were close enough so that i would just know what he was thinking. i would understand so so so much more about him and i would simply KNOW him. who he is. just like i do my best friends. and i think that if i would just put that effort into it that i need to....how awesome would my life be. how much more amazing would my existence be. and once i've gotten mad at myself for NOT giving God the time i know i need to give him (because of how awesome MY life and MY existence could be), i start to kick myself again because my humanness and my selfishness shines through in just those few statements. how awesome would it make MY life?? that should be the last thing on my mind....what should be first on my mind is....how happy would that make Jesus? How happy would it make him.....to be my best friend. it is all he has ever wanted. and if i would just give him that time that is spent on so many other things that matter so little...i could make him so happy. ME making JESUS happy!! i mean, should there even be another option??? i should just so high at that chance....and yet i spend my time yelling at god b/c i'm not good enough....rather than praising him. not yelling AT him. but yelling TO him. this will be my highest goal. to imagine how incredible life will be on this earth...if the relationship i desire w/ Christ is achieved.....and then some....i then imagine how amazing it will be when i get to heaven....and get to see him for the first time. not only will it be me embracing one i've been desring to see face to face my entire life on this earth....it will be the exact same thing for him. one whom he's been just waiting for. one whom he's been so incredibly proud of on earth yes so incredibly happy to have home. it is times like these in which i know my motivation comes from God, i know my discouragement comes from Satan, and i know my actions.....will come from myself. i ask whoever reads this to hold me accountable for this. and i ask for your prayers as well. i cannot do it on my own.

"here i am again tonight
w/ my arms open wide
won't you come inside?
come and fill this heart of mine
i'm in need of your touch,
of your love.
i need you.
i lay myself at your feet
asking you, run to me
please won't you meet me, God,
tonight.
i cannot do it on my own"
-shawn mcdonald-

keepin' on

life can make all of the sense in the world one minute, and the next have you looking around w/ this dumb-founded look on your face wondering what the heck just happened. it can be so easy to figure out yet so hard to understand. an accusation can be made, a story can be told. and whether it's true or false is something you want to...and usually feel you need to know. how you deal w/ it will be remembered and the result will certainly stay w/ you your entire life. you'll always have accusations thrown at you. and it's your job to prove them true or false. sometimes we must accept them as what they are and continue w/ a realization of that fact and the desire to change it. and sometimes we just have to accept that we don't always get our way, that truth and good don't always prevail, and that although things may not have gone the way we wanted or expected...we must take what we have and run w/ it. such is life, eh?? so after you've learned to take what you've got and run w/ it...run in such a way as to win the prize. run the race w/ the goal in sight the whole time. never take your eyes off the goal. and when that person on the sidelines start critisizing you, look then in the eye, tell them you love them and keep on running. when satan comes up beside you and tries to trip you, tell him you don't need him and you aren't going to let him win and keep on running. and when confusion and question block the road, just jump right over that hurdle and keep on running. the point is....bad things will happen. you won't understand. you will sin, you're always going to mess up. but even if you do fall down and scrape a knee or sprain an ankle every once in a while...get right back up and keep on running. b/c let me tell you...it's worth it. to feel my savior's arms wrapped around me will give me more pleasure than i could ever imagine. to hear his voice telling me he loves me. to spend all of eternity with him. to see him smile, to hear his laugh....these are the desires of my heart. so i will keep running. i'll keep running.

the sky's reality

the sky right now is beautiful. outside is beautiful. just looking out my window. last night, there was this pinkish hue across the whole sky. i love the sky when it snows. sometimes it's hazy, sometimes it's clear, sometimes it's pink....but every time it's beautiful. i wish so badly so often that i could just escape into an alternate reality...where i could just float through the stars and ride upon a cloud as i watch the sun rise. just escape into this place where everything is so perfectly placed. i think the sky gives me a slight glimpse of heaven....and i think that is why i am so fond of it. because when looking at the sky...in daytime or night...i cannot help but think about God and his greatness. his love for me. and where he is right now...just waiting for me. how strongly i long to be there with him. to be surrounded by a definition of beautiful you nor i have never even come close to imagining. such is life. such is what i live for. and such is what i will recieve someday. on that day, my everything will be fulfilled. my mission will be complete. and my life will have begun. and never will it end. for forever will i be in an eternal place of beauty, rest and life. it is there my savior waits. and it is there that i will meet him. that glorious day....when the sky's reality shines through....and i go home.

at the cross....

as your world crashes around you
your ribcage starts to break
the constant fear of it surround you
growing stronger w/ each mistake
and what you thought was clear and simple
seems to be the hardest thing
your soul, it wars against itself
reduced to pain and suffering
you saw the light, you saw it gleaming
calling out to your distress
inside you hear your soul, it's screaming
good enough isn't your best
you always hide yourself away
tucked inside your flesh and bones
the pain, it haunts you every day
reduced yourself to nothing known
if you go everything you wanted
then the timing would be wrong
and once you got your timing right
what you once wanted's now long gone
discovering all else has failed
and all your battles have been lost
fall to your knees and realize
that all you have left is the cross


i wrote that one night after a long conversation w/ one of my really good friends. we had been talking about life. mostly about jesus...and what he has to do w/ our lives. he'd mentioned that he'd kinda forgotten about him for a while. he knew that things weren't good....he knew they could get better. and as he was attempting to better his existance, to feel some sense of worth in this destruction ridden world....he had completely forgotten his savior. he wasn't even slightly in the very back of his mind. as he was expressing this to me, sorrow consumed me. this is what the enemy can do. someone can have a desire and a passion for the lord that's burning so brightly.....and slowly but surely he takes that away from them. they let him, yes. but he takes it nonetheless. he's done it to me before. and he's done it to every single person that i know and love. and he'll continue to do it. because that's what he does. and...i guess i wrote this to and for everyone who falls into his trap. which....in essence really...is everyone. seeing as everyone falls into his trap. so everyone who falls into his trap would essentially be everyone. my prayer is....for everyone who has fallen into satan's grip....and has not yet found their way out, that they will. and also...for everyone who has fallen into satan's grip in the past...and has found their way out already....to never fall into that grip again. because far better is the grip of he who loves....than he who hates. and far worse is the torture of he who disobeys...than he who obeys. and far greater is my sorrow when he whom i love....falls into the enemy's grip and searches aimlessly for the way out, than when he whome i love falls into the enemy's grip and finds his way out, willing never to return again. and i pray that i never return again. for far greater is my reward in heaven....than my fleshly desires in this world. now i'm late for a date...so if you'll excuse me.....he's waiting for me right now at the cross....and i fully intend on meeting with him.

goodbyes...

there are so many different uses of the word goodbye. you coudl be saying it to someone you know you'll see in an hour, a day, a week, a month. you could be saying it w/o knowing whether or not you'll see that person again. you could be saying it knowing for sure that you're never going to see that person again. you could be saying it w/ great relief. you could be saying it w/ immense sorrow. you could be saying it only to wait anxiously for the next time you'll be able to say hello. but at different times, "goodbye" takes on a whole new meaning. there are some goodbyes that you wish you didn't have to say. some goodbyes that you fear and pray you'll never have to say. those final goodbyes. the forever goodbyes that you know will last an eternity...b/c you'll never say goodbye to that person again. aside from saying goodbyes, these among many others, you also have to hear them. and one of the most painful goodbyes to hear is that of a loved one leaving to go serve his or her country. those goodbyes that are said w/ willingness yet hesitation. i pray daily for those serving our country. i pray for their families, their friends. i pray for their safety, i pray for their lives. for their health, for their lonliness. i pray for each one of them... and that they haven't yet had to say their final goodbyes.