.e.t.e.r.n.i.t.y.

It highly frustrates me when people adopt the assumption that God, in one way or another, owes us something. I grew up in a Christian home so the concept of Heaven and Hell is one that I've always been aware of, though never really fully grasped. As I've grown older and matured in my faith, I've come to believe that I've never fully grasped it because I'm never really supposed to grasp it. There's not many concept to my faith that I do grasp but if I did, in fact, grasp them what would they then become? For example, if the concept of faith itself were grasped...if it somehow became a solution to a scientific equation...would it then still be faith? Could you really pass proof off as faith? And then if you could grasp it, could you fully understand it? And if we could, somehow, understand it all, would we then stop throwing the self-pity-parties and giving the "I deserve more than this" speeches? Or would we go on using the same sad excuses as we do now even though we then would have all the answers? And when one says they can't imagine a God who would allow a soul to endure the agony of Hell, are they in some way calling Him a liar? What exactly might they be imagining? What kind of a person murders the only one who ever has and ever will love them and then, when given a second chance, or a third chance, or a three hundred and fifty-two millionth chance...just simply cocks the trigger...and puts the bullet right back into His heart? I think that's the question we should all be asking ourselves. If you're having trouble imaining a just God, maybe it's because you're trying to imagine the wrong thing. Because the final round doesn't come until the heart stops beating. The second tries don't end until the last try. If we all got what we deserved, I don't want to have any idea what kind of pain I'd be going through right now. But, you see, if we had no second tries, it would be game over from day one. Because we screw up every day of our lives. So...no second tries means we lose before we begin and then what's left? So if we choose to, we work. We work for Heaven. We work for bliss. We deserve nothing. We never will. But we have the opportunity to work. Because of grace. Because of love. Because we deserve nothing. Because he owes us nothing...yet gives us grace. And loves us regardless. Don't try to understand it. Embrace it. Embrace it and live. Live for Him. Live....inspite of the past...because of the future...and for the present. Live for Him. Why? Because there's no other life worth living. Because everything else is just a lie. Because everything on the inside tells you it's for real. And because everything on the outside tells you it's all just fantasy. Live.for.Him.Because.He's.real. The hurt, the love, the pain, the joy...it's all real. He owes us nothing. Not life, not love, not Heaven. And that's real.

If my middle name weren't Glynne...it would be Irony.

Friday, September 30, 2005 (roughly 4pm):

I deposit two checks into my bank account. Both worth around $750. I take $400 of that along with me for insurance, cell phone bill, tithe, and spending money for KY. I KEEP the envelope containing $400 in my purse, knowing I am going to need the offering money on Sunday and the insurance/cellphone money possibly before that. I know it's a stupid idea. But I figure what the heck, who even worries about those things anyway?
(Mind you friends...Thus begineth the irony.)

Saturday, October 1, 2005 (roughly 9pm):

I make a quick trip (no pun intended...ok well maybe there was) to Hollywood Video. On my way out of the parking lot, I get a call from my mother telling me she needs me to go to wal mart and pick up a few things. While in the parking lot, I decide to leave my purse containing the $400 in my car and simply lock the doors. Then my mother's voice in my head kicks in and I decide to carry it in with me just so that incase someone randomly decides to break into the crappiest car in the parking lot (being mine), they won't get $400 out of their whim of burglary/breaking and entering.
(Mind you friends....Thus Continueth the irony.)
SO....here I am strolling through wal mart. I pick up the few things requested and make my way to check out. Aah, yes...lane 14. 10 items of less. Directly to the right of the tobacco center. No line. Why? Are tobacco sales going down in America? NOOOO! I guess this just happens to be my lucky day!! Upon adding up the prices of the items in my head (which I wasn't really paying attention to in the first place), I arrive at the hypothesis that the $14 in my wallet may not be enough for the groceries at hand, SO I pull out my trustee envelope and begin retrieving a twenty when I hear the friendly casheer lady say, "Your total comes to $13.37". Thirteen dollars and thirty seven sence. What'd'ya know....I paid with a ten, three ones and some change and walked away with a single bill still left lone in my wallet. Aah, yes, but the envelope. The trustee Heartland Bank envelope upon which I had grown so accustomed to glancing down at to assure me once again that, yes, it was in fact still safely tucked away inside my red purse. What had become of this envelope? I had placed it right back in my purse right next to my wallet, hadn't I. Hadn't I? I gathered my bags, reached into my hoodie pocket for my keys, made my way out the door, through the parking lot, into my car, down mason road, into my driveway and eventually...through my front door. I clean my room, watched Cider House Rules, hop into the shower, Read my Bible, write my notes, Fulfilled the craving due to my George Orwell addiction, set my alarm, shut off my lights, hopped into bed, and visited Trollywood for roughly four and a half hours of harmony.

Sunday, October 2, 2005 (roughly 6:30am)
That light. What is that light? Why is that light shining in my face? Oh, right...Sunday...Mom has practice at the buttcrack of dawn.

(roughly 7:00 am)
"Haley.....Haley..." Haley....Haley....where have I heared that before? Why does that sound so familiar? "HALEY...." Ohhh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...my name. She wants my attention. the blurry visoin of what seemed to be my mother proceeded, "Sorry to wake you...but I have a question for you" HOLY CRAP LIGHT! banchees from a ridden grave, why is that light on? "Do these colors look ok together?" Yes, mom...they look perfect. darkness.

(roughly 7:15 am)
Beeping. Beeping. Will somebody stop that beeping? "Haley...your alarm's going off." What? It's 7:15 already? Snooze.

(roughly 7:30am)
Ok. No more snooze. Wakey wakey. Holy crap. I feel like crap. Ok...morning routine, toilet, teeth, face, blah blah blah. There is no absolute way at this point I'm making it all morning without throwing up. Aaaaand, yesssss, there it went. Ok, now that I have THAT out of the way....proceed getting ready. makeup, hair, clothes. 8:15. I need to go. I grab my Bible, I grab my purse. I once again check for my trustee envelope. My envelope....why can't I see it from this angle? Or this angle? Or this angle? Crapdangit, where is it? Ok....I was at wal mart with it...I HAD to have put it in my purse...... Right? Where else would it be? Unless it fell out. No. It's here somewhere. Someone borrowed money. I took it out and set it somewhere. It's here. Somewhere. I frantically searched around my house for about....20 seconds tops. Then....suddenly....calm. It's around here. But You're going to be late for practice and you can find it later. The offering plate's gonna be there next week too. I take a quick gander in my car for the envelope...just incase it might have fallen out in my ventures of last night. Nope. Nothing. I turn on the engine. Low Fuel. Oh, goody....Now I can pay for my tank of gas with all of the money I have! David Crowder begins singing. No...Not to the microphone...not to the producers sitting behind the window in the studio....to me. (ok well essentially, yes, to God, but...just work with me here) He says "So be quiet now...and rest" and I said....ok. At the beginning stages of my journey to church, I replay the scene in my mind over and over again. From the moment I took the envelope out of the purse to the moment I realized it wasn't there this morning. Where could it be? How am I going to find it? If I dropped it in wal mart there's no way in this filth ridden world I am going to find it. "Be quiet now....and rest." Right, right, right....rest. ok but I KNOW I put it back in my purse with my wallet. I mean my wallet is in my purse, why shouldn't the envelope be?? "Majesty...finally" You know what....I bet I DID drop it. and I bet someone picked it up. But not just anyone. Someone with 5 kids, $50 in his bank account, and not a clue in the slightest where his rent for this month is coming from. He was at wal mart picking up several packs of Ramen Noodles for tomorrow's meal. That's right. HE found the money. And he needed it. Case closed. David keeps singing.....and I begin to sing along with him. I put a smile on my face and with my window rolled down, sing to my Love.

I'll end this up since it's already immensely lengthy. I just didn't care about that money. Yes, I got mad at myself for it. But....my main focus wasn't on that. I was getting ready to worship my Lord with my church family and this $400 wasn't going to hold me back for anything. My parents weren't exactly proud when I told them what had happened. They put in much more effort than I did in trying to find my envelope. My dad is still convinced I took it out of my purse and laid it down somewhere in the house and it's still here somewhere. Boy do I love him. Both of them.

My point is....that there's irony all around in this occasion. This all too unfortunate event. Yes I'm just the same Right now....as I was last night. When I was still the occupent of that envelope. Or am I? It didn't make me less of a person. It may have made me feel somewhat less than a genius. But....it did show me once again....how it is all his. He gives it. And He takes it away. It wasn't my money to begin with. It was His. What if he DID use it for him. What if a mam who really needed it DID pick it up. What if he didn't. None of it matters. What matters is....I have a God who is so madly deeply head over heels in love with me....I'd give $400 dollars any day of the week to feel his embrace, his kiss on my forehead, arms wrapped around me and his hand on my cheek as he looks into my eyes and tells me it's all going to be ok.