apologies

"I'm sorry," she whispered once again as she felt the hot water fall from her forehead to her feet. She must've said it a hundred times that night. What had she done? She despised herself all over again and all she could do was apologize; and that's exactly what she did. She repeated herself over and over as the teardrops mixed with the water and flowed down her body and into the drain. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The steam filled the room and fogged the mirrors. She wished more than anything that she could make things right. She wondered if it would've been better if it the whole thing had never happened at all. Then convinced herself that it wouldn't have; and that he would say the same. She hated seeing him hurt - and even more, couldn't stand the fact that it was because of her. She whiped the fog from one of the mirrors and stared, idley into her own eyes. She wasn't pretty. Not even close. And when she cried, she looked so pitiful. She was pitiful. Never really got anything right. Always hurt the ones she loved most. Always made the wrong choice on all of the most important decisions. And she wasn't pretty. Not even close. She wondered what he even saw in her in the first place. What did anyone see in her? She was convinced that if they knew everything, they'd change their minds. But he hadn't. Not yet. He treated her good, most of the time; and most of the time, she didn't deserve it.

aah, yes, and another

She couldn't believe they had come so far only to fall into a darkness. A long, miserable darkness from which there seemed to be no escape. At the moment she'd fallen she hadn't realized the weight of the gravity in a place so unfamiliar. But not long after - it came upon her. She frantically searched the walls surrounding her for anything with means of an escape. Her hands scaled the bumpy concrete - cracked, rigid and cool. Her feet raised waist-high against the wall in attempts to find a grip, only to fall back down to the ground.. She knew she couldn't get out alone. There was only one person who could help her out. One person - whos darkness was just as great, if not greater than her own. One person - just as desperate as she; desperate for one person - desperate for her. She cried out in a hopeless sob. She was the one that got them there. She should've seen it - should've realized. She hated every second that he wasn't there. Started to miss him right as he went. She loved him more than he'd ever know - thought someday they might be together. Part of her wanted him, part was scared. He was walking straight toward the pit, and instead of saving him, she watched him fall. She might as well have pushed him in; and when he fell, he fell so hard. He was silent but she could still hear. The guilt and the sorrow blinded her so that she could not see. And that's when she fell. In the pit next to his. He could hear her cry when it was loud enough; but he could never let her know that .There were so many things he could never let her know - and so many things reversed. She'd wanted him - before he told her - she'd wanted him. She didn't know he was in love. She wasn't anywhere near there. Never knew if she would be. Or could be. The thought never left her mind; the agony never left her spirit. She was miserable. She tried to stop it but she was powerless. She tried to distract herself from the thought, but it never really left her. He was a part of her, but he took it with him and she felt it was missing. Didn't want to replace it. She'd rather feel the pain from not having him than not feel anything at all. In the beginning, she'd tried to escape - then eventually gave up and in to the darkness. He, on the other hand, never attempted escape. At times, he'd try to make himself believe he wasn't in that place - that he'd never fallen at all. It never really worked but he had to try - for the sake of his sanity. Whatever that meant - sanity. Or what he knew to be sanity. For the sake of that. And for her sake too. He knew if he lost it that she'd lose it too. She could no longer see him - no longer touch him - but she would know. And he knew she would know. Knew she'd be able to feel it. His eyes always gave him away - she could always see him in his eyes. But this time she couldn't see his eyes. Not this time. And though she couldn't see him - she could feel him. Somehow, somewhere on the length of their journey, she'd learn to feel. Learned to feel him. Learned to feel what she let herself feel; and leave the rest blank. That and the things he'd hide from her. He knew she couldn't tell it when he hid it well enough; and she knew it too. Never knew what he was hiding unless he told her. Always wondered if - at that moment - there was something he was hiding. He was even good at hiding the fact that he was hiding something. Only let it show every once in a while - when he couldn't get his mind off of it. She hated when his eyes were sad. He had the most beautiful eyes. At times, they'd stare so deeply back into hers that she'd have to look away. He could see right through and she knew it. The darkness slowly began to take its toll on her. She was anxious about everything yet simultaneously apathetic. She'd want one thing and then another, then both at the same time, than nothing at all. Then she didn't know what she wanted altogether. She could hardly tell who she was anymore. She didn't like who she was becoming but didn't know what to do to change it. Either that or just didn't have the courage. At whichever rate - she hated it. What had she gotten herself into?

He always understood

The sun turned black today. The rain started to fall. They were sitting on his bed when everything changed. She wasn't prepared for what he told her. Still isn't. She knew she'd be walking home alone that night. The wind was hard and the rain was cold. it stung sharply on her skin. Mixed with her tears. One foot in front of the other - such an easy concept yet so hard to fathom on what seemed to be the longest journey home that she'd ever endured. One single thought with so many different aspects. The warmth of her breath created rythmic clouds of fog which slowly faded, only to reappear. He was haunting her. She could see him. Everywhere she looked. She could feel him. In the raindrops he loves so much. She looked up and saw him. In the middle of the road, walking straight toward her. She ran to him, weeping and threw her arms around him. Then pushed him away and slapped him across the face...
"What we were I can't have back. I wish so badly that I could. I never thought things could be so different. Never knew I could miss someone so much. I'd get mad. Sometimes you'd make me feel expendable. That wasn't long before everything changed. You changed. But I don't think it was you that changed. It was your actions. You stopped acting the way you knew everyone else wanted you to. I want to hate you so bad sometimes. Did you know that? Because everything was a lie. and I let myself believe it. I knew it was. Sometimes I even knew that I knew. I just wanted so badly for it to be true that I believed it. I hate myself too, you know. Blame myself. I feel like Ender Wiggin. I won't explain but just as well, I despise myself for it. For all of it. For everything. Why weren't you just honest with me? You didn't have to be fake for me. Was it because you knew I'd never love someone who didn't also love Him? Was that it? Or were you just trying to make me and everyone else happy? ...Or possibly even trying to make yourself happy as well. By believing the same lie you were telling me. You know, I never had to think when I was around you. I could always just....be. No matter what. I could talk to you for hours. About anything. Everything. Nothing. I wrote a song, you know. For you. To you. About you. About you and me. About us. The us that once was. The us we'll never be. The us we are now. It's not finished yet. Not yet. I just don't know how to end it. Don't know how to end it so I started another. I drive myself crazy wishing I could avoid the inevitable...and knowing that I can't. It's not the first time you've hurt me. and I'm almost sure not the first time reversed. That day by the lake, I was so numb to everything. The night before, I cried myself to sleep, but that day...I think I decided when I got in my car that I wasn't going to let myself cry about it anymore. I've since failed myself miserably. I think I decided I wasn't going to let anything you said that day hurt. Because I was tired of hurting. and It worked, for the moment. I wasn't surprised. But I also wasn't really phased. By anything you said. When normally, I would've been. Some of it now hurts. Makes me mad. I get so mad at you. Why do you have to be the way you are sometimes? I hate it, you know. and I hate the way I feel when I'm around you. Every time I want to cry. and Don't always resist. Why can't that just go away? Why can the way you feel not just go away? I've wished so many times that things could go back to the way they were. and Then I stop and wonder what that even means..."
Her dialouge was long, emptied between sobs and may not have made sense. But he understood. He always understood.

I didn't mean to leave you hanging on.
I didn't mean to leave you all alone.
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't know what to say.